Creepy Crawly Things

Yesterday I helped a friend pack her moving truck for a trek away from Texas. When I got home, I saw what looked like a piece of black plastic sitting next to my walkway. I thought "Ugh. My trashy neighbors are littering again" and went to pick it up.

THEN IT SLITHERED AWAY.

Y'all. I almost picked up a snake.

I, of course, shrieked and jumped away. Then I had a freak out moment (or ten) in which I paced back and forth in front of my house, hopping a little to avoid getting too close to the snake, while I watched it to make sure it didn't sneak into my house. Then I realized I should call for back up. I quickly dialed the boyfriend. As soon as he picked up, I said (screeched) "IHAVEASNAKE!!!" Not "there's a snake near my door," or "I almost touched a snake because I thought it was trash." Just "IHAVEASNAKE!!!" as though I would ever actually possess a snake on purpose. He, fortunately, offered to come over and deal with the creature that almost killed me. I dialed my Dad, continuing my crazy, hopping dance to ensure the snake did not sneak away. Dad convinced me to go inside and retrieve my shovel and my flashlight. So then, I run back outside, carrying the shovel, flashlight, my purse and, with the phone pressed to my ear, narrate everything that the snake is doing. Which, to be honest, is basically sitting there on the ground, under my living room window. Boyfriend finally arrives and takes over the shovel and flashlight.

HOWEVER. He did not kill the snake and mount its head on a pike, which is what I wanted. He just poked around in the bushes and scared it away. NOT OK. What if it sneaks into my house at night?! I'm not trying to find a snake in my kitchen at 6 in the morning. Anyways, I finally have a clear path into my house, sans snake, and I take the dog for a walk. I grab my pepper spray on the way out the door in case the snake makes a return appearance. If so, I will blast him with pepper spray. This, for some reason, makes the boyfriend laugh and say things like, "it's not that big of a snake" and "it was just a little garden snake."

First of all, it was not THAT small. It was at least 2 feet long, maybe even 3 feet. Second, I almost touched it. Third, and probably most important, IT UPSET ME AND CREEPED ME OUT. Based on that alone, it is an incident that should be treated with the utmost seriousness. Having been properly chastised, H (my bf) makes amends and we continue the walk.

He doesn't make even a peep when I peer around the columns in front of my house with the pepper spray before deciding it's safe to enter.